InstaSmile

it was as if everything he had been searching for was right there in front of his face. words all neatly bundled up into the perfect Instagram post that was only waiting to be stumbled upon. granted, the circumstances around discovery could have been better, but maybe it couldn’t have happened any other way. maybe it literally took a trip halfway across the world and back, a few broken hearts, depression, and a happy moment filled with uncertainty to find the words he wanted but didn’t quite believe existed.

he knew what he was looking for, sort of. it’s just, how do you find something when you don’t even know what it looks like? like this, I suppose. perfectly by accident, because the world isn’t that perfect but it is nice to think that it is. perfectly by accident, because you never know what comes next after reaching goals you just knew you were never going to reach. perfectly, or by accident. maybe the how doesn’t matter, but there’s still always the problem of “what do I do now…”

Inspired by rachel h

Sabotage – Idle Thoughts

There are the things we know we should do, and then there are the things we do. Oftentimes, the things we do are not in alignment with what we should. I don’t mean to insinuate that everyone is a failure who can’t handle their own responsibilities. What I do mean is that we tend to sabotage ourselves when it comes to doing things that lead to happiness. Just think about that for a moment. We all have vices. These guilty pleasures do make us happy, but at a cost. We trade a different kind of happiness for this moment of escape, even if we only feel worse immediately afterward. Especially if we feel worse afterward….

Why do we as human beings continuously do that? Cashing out on simple pleasures when we know we will only feel worse in the morning. Risking a job for 5 more minutes of sleep; risking a relapse in celebration of breaking a bad habit; taking a big break for a little effort that you know amounts to nothing. It doesn’t matter how you justify it. If you feel the guilt riveting in your soul, then you understand what I’m talking about. Whether you care to admit it or not is another thing altogether.

I think it’s necessary though, that pain. It’s easy to get lost in short-term pleasures that abandon us in our times of need, but sacrificing everything for that one moment of joy is just as detrimental. All things in life require balance. Humans just aren’t that good at balancing things. We tend to operate at the most extreme ends at any cost, and it wears on us collectively. So many of us still have many dreams and desires that seem impossible because we refuse to change the way we think. We are cynical creatures, but we don’t have to be. I’m not saying believing that today will be better than yesterday will make it better, but it won’t make it worse. Sometimes we just need to remember that these moments will pass. Sometimes we need to remember that we aren’t these moments, no matter how much we believe it… And that’s okay.

blaze-burn-burning-97494

Fall in

Fall into life some days. No need for practice or patience; just fall. Awkwardly, like a child attempting to walk. Like yourself attempting to walk so long ago.

All of us were once children. Innocent and curious. We were eager to experience that which the world had to offer us. Snowflakes that melted onto our noses, ovens that mother scolded us for getting too close to, other humans that were as tiny as we were. Other little children with big eyes and tiny hands, just as eager to explore the world as we once were. Just like us, they came into this world fumbling around, stomping furiously at the earth to claim their ability to walk no matter how many times they fell down. None of us studied or practiced walking; none of us waited until it was the right time to walk. We wanted to do so, and so we did. Granted we may have fallen and hurt ourselves a few times and cried a few times more. But, here we all are: walking.

So why we prevent ourselves from achieving new goals? Why is it that everyone is working towards their dreams, but few are living it? I refuse to believe that only some people are capable and others are not. If that were true, it’d be common to see people crawling around on the streets, waiting for the perfect time to attempt to stand. I hope that image in your mind is as ridiculous as it sounds because that’s honestly what is happening right now at this very moment. People are crawling around, waiting for the right time to claim their dream. The crawling itself isn’t bad. Before we fly we must first crawl. The frustration lies in this fact: Very few people attempt to walk, for fear of falling down and looking like an idiot. What we need to understand is that it’s okay to fall. Falling is actually quite necessary. You wouldn’t know what not to do if you didn’t fall flat on your ass as a child. There are some things you just won’t learn until you attempt to do something for yourself.

Of course, as we get older, we learn that we can avoid pain by treading precariously in paths already paved out for us. In fact, it’s perfectly fine to learn from the mistakes of others so that you don’t repeat them. What you can’t learn from others, though, is the experience. To be authentic, one must earnestly display qualities that could not be manufactured by society but are instead achieved through hard work and grit. Truthfully? That isn’t always a pretty process. I fell down as a child. I have scars on my body from playing sports too hard or making stupid decisions. But do I regret it? Of course not. I don’t regret falling over a few times as a child because now I can stand proudly on my own two legs. The only attribution I need to give in regards to my ability to walk is to myself. For all of you, it’s the same. We made our success through our own hard work, and that is truly wonderful. We crawl, we stand, we step, we run, we fall. Today we may fall flat on our asses, but tomorrow we will soar.

 

Words Unfiltered: Mental agony

I mean I just don’t know how to handle it. I feel like I’m going to explode under the pressure. How can anybody live like this? Images of destruction fill my mind, and I can’t sleep. I torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, finding myself half-way gone at the most mundane of moments. Suspended in time, realizing I’m nothing but a bout of insignificance floating through meaningless space– I mean, what is even real? How can I know? My heart wants to believe one thing, and my mind isn’t quite sure what to believe. Nothing is logical. I’ve gotten to the point where I realize that everything is pointless, but I can’t think like that.

Just busy yourself in the moment and don’t think. It’s gotten you this far.  I think to myself. It’s all I can do to protect my sanity. The sanity I cling to so dearly. The sanity that I refuse to believe is lost.  I’m trying to protect myself from being broken. In hindsight, things aren’t clear regardless. Maybe I’m broken, maybe I’m not. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t know anything anymore.

When did the sweet solace of solitude became a daily mental agony that I must endure? When I find more comfort in worldly stress and worries than I do in peace, something must have snapped. Or maybe something clicked, and I realized that this tangible world, however fucked up it is, is the world I live in. This world is mine. I see the world through my eyes, and I am afraid to die.

Or maybe it’s death that I crave. I really don’t know anymore. I’m in love. As long as I have a reason, I’ll continue to hold this moment called a life dearly. I’m fearful of all that’s to come, or maybe of the things that have already come to pass. Who knows. Maybe it’s all already happened, and we just haven’t realized it yet. Either way, I’m waiting for something. What exactly? I don’t know. The brief moments of happiness are worth living for.

A lifetime of pain and suffering in exchange for the brief time that we actually can enjoy our lives. I suppose that’s all life really is. A chance to smile. A chance that you wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m certain that I am alive, but I really can’t be certain of anything. I guess it’s the uncertainty that terrifies me. Even still, with uncertainty comes hope. Maybe the thing I desire to know won’t have the answer that brings comfort. With certainty, I may be screwed. But, everything is uncertain.

Anything can happen. Things will happen, and I guess that’s the beauty of life.

Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.