Blame – Idle Thoughts

Blame is a word I haven’t thought about in a long while. It’s a concept I haven’t thought about in a long while either, not in a traditional sense at least. When I think of blame, I imagine explicitly deferring a problem to a specific person. There is always something major that happened, but the fault lies with the person being blamed. It’s specific, it’s concrete, it’s in your face. With blame, there is the accuser and the accused, and at some point, the accuser will look the accused in eyes and tell them that they are the problem, regardless of whether it is true or not. Yeah, I’m above blame. I must be if I nearly forgot about the word, right? Of course not. It is never that simple.

Blame was prevalent back when I was younger. In those days, when something went wrong, we looked at who we thought (or who we wanted) to be the problem and pointed it out. Skipping school? It was Chester’s fault. Missed an assignment? My sister’s fault, she stole my pencils. Are you noticing something here? Blame is defined as the responsibility for a fault or wrong. All I did was assign that blame to something or someone else. That doesn’t work when you’re older. People defend themselves with alibis and histories of integrity. As adults, we don’t blame anymore. It is not a valid way to deal with problems that others will accept. Instead, we come up with excuses.

An excuse is defined as a reason or explanation to defend or justify a fault. So what does that mean? Excuses are just subtle ways to blame other people and things for our own mistakes. Excuses are blame laced with sympathy, relatability, and the idea that the entire ordeal was completely unavoidable. It’s crafty. It’s wrong sometimes, but it can feel good. I have definitely taken advantage of poor situations I have found myself in to develop reasonable excuses for inaction, and I’ll be the first to tell you if no one else has: it sucks. There is temporary relief and release, and sometimes a small part of it is necessary. But what about the people who had valid excuses that just didn’t seem believable? The excuses that weren’t relatable enough, or the excuses that just couldn’t elicit any sympathy? The valid excuses that have been reduced to simple blame for someone’s own selfish sake?

Those situations are unfortunate, and I don’t think I can do much to keep them from happening. What I can do is respect the incidents that truly leave individuals incapable of doing anything. I can do the only thing I know how: move forward. We all have excuses, that much we can agree on. But how many of those are real? How many of these excuses are just us blaming something or someone else for our own laziness? Trying to justify ourselves for the sake of our ego at the expense of our dreams. It is despicable, especially for the people who can’t, and they are often the ones who change their realities by doing the impossible. Even if the excuse is valid, who really cares? At the end of the day, you are only hurting yourself. At the end of the day, my excuses have only hurt me. So own them. Accept them. Release them. I’ll do the only thing I can do in the aftermath: move forward.


Motivation… – Idle Thoughts

There’s this thing called motivation. Have you seen it? Because I have been looking for it for quite some time now. I hear motivation is a wonderful thing. It creates leaders and innovators, plus I think it would have helped me with that paper that was due last week. I still haven’t done it. I will, once I find the motivation to do so. I’m only joking. It wasn’t a paper I missed, at least not this time. Every week there seems to be something that my body lacks the wherewithal to complete. Homework. Poems. Proposals. Sleep. That last one is strange, but sometimes I even need the motivation to do that.

Thinking about it now, it’s never the major stuff that I need motivation for. It’s always the simple things like getting out of bed in the morning or finding the time for an overdue conversation. It isn’t that I don’t want to do these things, I do. It just never seems like the perfect time to do it. Each morning, I figure seven more minutes of my eyes closed will push my body to that point of being well rested. It never does. It doesn’t matter how many seven-minute increments of meditation I sleep through because my body isn’t the problem. The problem is in my head. The problem is that I want to get up, but getting up just isn’t that important to me.

Actually, that’s not right. To say that would mean getting out of a bad situation just isn’t that important to people. That simply isn’t true. The problem is that I want to get up, but the thought of the obstacles facing me after rising is sometimes enough to keep me down. I mean that in a literal sense, but it applies in all other cases. We need adversity to grow. Without it, life would be utterly boring and all achievements would be unsatisfactory. But simple adversity is not what the average person faces. We live in a world where we amass problems and wear them like badges, shouting to the world that we are human and we suffer too. We just forget to take those badges off. We forget that we are not the badges we wear, and as we continue to accumulate more issues they begin to wear us. And they begin to wear on us. They get to be so massive and so heavy that we don’t know how to function without them.

At some point, we realize we have too many problems that we are holding onto. It is around this time that we realize we are in over our heads, but we are too stubborn to admit that we need help and so we suffer. We become so heavy with the burdens we brandished because they created a sense of unity that we are no longer able to overcome them. At least, the abundance of issues makes us feel that way. It makes me think, “why bother?” Why bother when every achievement has as it’s reward another problem for me to overcome.

I don’t know if this is true or not, but I’ll tell you why I search for my motivation. The reason I bother is because I remember a time before this where I felt happy. Whether it’s possible to get back to that place is another story.


Fall in

Fall into life some days. No need for practice or patience; just fall. Awkwardly, like a child attempting to walk. Like yourself attempting to walk so long ago.

All of us were once children. Innocent and curious. We were eager to experience that which the world had to offer us. Snowflakes that melted onto our noses, ovens that mother scolded us for getting too close to, other humans that were as tiny as we were. Other little children with big eyes and tiny hands, just as eager to explore the world as we once were. Just like us, they came into this world fumbling around, stomping furiously at the earth to claim their ability to walk no matter how many times they fell down. None of us studied or practiced walking; none of us waited until it was the right time to walk. We wanted to do so, and so we did. Granted we may have fallen and hurt ourselves a few times and cried a few times more. But, here we all are: walking.

So why we prevent ourselves from achieving new goals? Why is it that everyone is working towards their dreams, but few are living it? I refuse to believe that only some people are capable and others are not. If that were true, it’d be common to see people crawling around on the streets, waiting for the perfect time to attempt to stand. I hope that image in your mind is as ridiculous as it sounds because that’s honestly what is happening right now at this very moment. People are crawling around, waiting for the right time to claim their dream. The crawling itself isn’t bad. Before we fly we must first crawl. The frustration lies in this fact: Very few people attempt to walk, for fear of falling down and looking like an idiot. What we need to understand is that it’s okay to fall. Falling is actually quite necessary. You wouldn’t know what not to do if you didn’t fall flat on your ass as a child. There are some things you just won’t learn until you attempt to do something for yourself.

Of course, as we get older, we learn that we can avoid pain by treading precariously in paths already paved out for us. In fact, it’s perfectly fine to learn from the mistakes of others so that you don’t repeat them. What you can’t learn from others, though, is the experience. To be authentic, one must earnestly display qualities that could not be manufactured by society but are instead achieved through hard work and grit. Truthfully? That isn’t always a pretty process. I fell down as a child. I have scars on my body from playing sports too hard or making stupid decisions. But do I regret it? Of course not. I don’t regret falling over a few times as a child because now I can stand proudly on my own two legs. The only attribution I need to give in regards to my ability to walk is to myself. For all of you, it’s the same. We made our success through our own hard work, and that is truly wonderful. We crawl, we stand, we step, we run, we fall. Today we may fall flat on our asses, but tomorrow we will soar.


Motivation, or rather, a lack of it…

Motivation is….Eh. Kind of like that. When it comes to motivating myself, it just isn’t possible. You know what, that’s a half lie. When it comes to motivating myself to do things that affect only me and no one else, I suck. Needless to say, you’d think that, by that logic, I’m this awesome guy who is a self-taught multi-instrumentalist*, part time superhero and full time advocate for the voiceless. I mean, that would be cool, but my motivation doesn’t quite work like that. Sure, all those things affect other people and not just me, but not really.

I like to do things that I know will help benefit people I care about. Needless to say, I’ll work my ass off just to help someone. I’ll faithfully go through the same routine every single day, and sacrifice the few things I would do for myself simply for someone else’s happiness. I’m speaking form experience here. I’m not just saying I would do it. I’m saying I will do it, and you can know this because I have done it before. I really have to start doing a few things for myself though. I guess I am. I have more words, and I know it, but my brain is feeling a little addled.

I suppose I could conclude the post, but In order to motivate myself to write a little bit more, I’ll tell you a bit about my day today. I acquired 4 much needed flash drives, though I still need one more (which I will hopefully get tomorrow). I got all of my pictures for my AP art class organized. Now I simply need to upload everything and hope for the best score I can get. I taught myself how to play seven-nation army on the trombone.** I did my daily running (that I’ve been slacking on), and a bunch of other things that you probably don’t care about. It really isn’t much though, it would just seem like a lot if I were to type it all out. And now I am rambling on about nothing. It’s funny to ramble about rambling, and, although this is completely irrelevant, there is someone at my school named Rambo. That’s a pretty cool name to have, isn’t it? Maybe I’ll talk about names in my next post. Who knows.

I’m signing off before this gets any weirder.

* I am a self taught pianist, though I play by ear. Slowly teaching myself guitar, and I also play the trombone. The flute and the violin are the only two other instruments I want to learn.

** If you happen to be a random trombone player who knows the song, here are the slide positions: 2 2 4 2 4 6 7; 2 2 4 2 4 6 7; 2 2 4 2 4 6 4 2 7. You can go from there.