Just Write – Chaotic

This must be what they mean by having a peace of a mind: seeing life fall apart right in front of your eyes, but for whatever reason, it does not phase you in the slightest. You smile wide. You sleep peacefully with nothing gnawing at you in your most vulnerable of moments. Somehow, despite everything telling you otherwise, you feel that you’ll be okay.

This is my current state of being. To an extent, it is largely an exaggeration. Objectively, there is no reason to feel like this, but there are some things that would make some raise an eyebrow. Some things that are long overdue that would reduce a mere mortal to panic…like it did for me at first. It’s just, you get over things if you live long enough. You don’t care as much when you see the randomness in it all. Each action has its consequences, but cleanup is a science that has been peer-reviewed by myself across many times. I’m always able to produce similar results, so I don’t mind the wreckage as much.

Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for the road outside of the window. The bike lane. It has been torn up for quite some time and I can see that it has been miserable. Why wouldn’t it be? It hasn’t seen love for over a month. Its entire life has been uprooted (literally) just for the sake of making it better. Sometimes improvement is chaotic. I am not that road though. I do not mind the destruction my temporary reconstruction will ensure. What’s the point of change without spending a bit of it on something a little pointless? A little time spent wasted so that the time that wasn’t feels that much more valuable.

I think it’s a small price to pay. A bit of turmoil for a little extra appreciation; I think it’s a good deal. A little poison to help along this temporary existence. We are here for less than a moment. Blink too early, and the celestial bodies above just might miss our entire life. It’s terrifyingly amusing. Plus, chaos exists to terrorize the universe on an astronomical scale. I think that fact alone earns it a special place in my heart. I think that fact alone is what helps me stay sane; that even the stars are helpless when it comes to the fleeting desires of the universe.

 

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lost

I can’t really tell whether I am dreaming or not anymore.
I lost sight of what was real long ago as I began to lust for more.
more days filled with carefree afternoons,
late mornings, and nights that are always over way too soon.

more moments that I know aren’t meant to last
and more serenity to cope with the moments that are gone way too fast.
I want to believe that this is all simply a bad dream.
that my eyes will open and I will realize nothing is ever as it seems

but it always is. at least, when things seem the worst
they typically are always the worst, but that’s okay because I think I can make this work.
I will simply close my eyes and pray for better days
it isn’t the best solution, but it just might make me feel okay

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Photo by Adrien Olichon on Unsplash

broken

torture me.
break my body
break my heart
and break my soul
break everything I’ve got
until there is nothing
left of me
save for my bones.
let me keep those.
let me make something
out of the shell
of who I used to be.
let me keep those.
I need a reminder
of who I used to be
so I can see how I’ve grown.
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