sometimes you’re too unstable
to make the right decisions.
sometimes sometimes is all the time.
and you remember why you felt broken
in the first place:
because the things that made you happy
don’t make you feel the way you used to.
and you don’t know what to do with that.
and I don’t know what to do with that.
the acrid taste in my mouth
the tingling in my right arm;
reminders that I’m still here…
reminders that I do exist…
sometimes it really doesn’t feel like
sometimes I’d rather it not be true
but it is, and I am here.
and honestly, it feels good to be alive…
There’s a place I go when I close my eyes. I don’t know exactly where it is, or why I go there, but it exists and I do. A familiar environment that looks different every time I visit. My dreamscape. The place hidden behind my eyelids. This time, it wasn’t safe. I had to fight for survival earlier, but not before enjoying the benefits of interacting with other dreamers, me being lucid. Maybe…maybe it was my subconscious. Regardless, I knew I was asleep and made full use of my abilities. I think I got too excited and woke up early in the morning, but the depression put me right back to sleep.
I’ve…I have been feeling it a lot worse nowadays. Things that I have been trying to ignore are coming to the forefront. I was ignoring how I felt so well, only suffering briefly in moments that were real, but now? I feel terrible. They say your environment plays a part, but who knows. Part of me wants to just fix up this environment and get moving, but I don’t know if I’m capable. Rather, I’d rather indulge in the despair. Suffer first, reprieve later. All of the suffering is internal anyway. Looking at it, things are in my favor. There’s absolutely no other way to view it. Things aren’t the way I want them to be though…
I think that’s the issue. I don’t know what it is that I want. I don’t know what it is that I’m working toward. I have vague targets that I’m bound to hit and a general idea of what the future holds and the wherewithal to achieve those at a minimum. But my destination? That is the issue. Logically, I haven’t decided anything, but emotionally I have. I’ve tried to ignore it for the longest, but how could I? I seep nothing but emotion through my fingertips. It was for only so long that I could keep it from spilling into the places that it mattered: my head and my heart.
But who cares. I know thinking about it won’t change a thing. I know laying here won’t change a thing. I know feeling this won’t change a thing. Maybe that’s why the words I say won’t change a thing. I suppose it’s time for autopilot. To go back to the days where my body worked and my mind did not. I don’t think anyone could ever call that living, but it hurt a hell of a lot less. Given the internal circumstance, that’s the best I could ask for.
Equilibrium. I have been searching for it. I am looking for the balance I so desperately crave and I’m thinking to myself, maybe this isn’t the season. Colorful leaves, colder temperatures, and midterms. This time is always pretty hectic. Typical of Autumn. Typical of the delicate air this late into the night. It’s just that time of year I guess.
I’ve never really known what that meant, but it helps. A reason for the slew of words pieced together haphazardly without a care in the world to exist. An explanation to the agonizing repetition I’ve noticed. Something to blame when I don’t know what even happened or why I feel the need to blame anything or anyone anyway. Just words that beg for catharsis.
Sometimes it comes. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the catharsis I need is waiting for me. 3 months ahead in the future, waiting for me where I’d least expect it to be… It all flies by too quickly now. I keep finding myself here. Here where I exist and the things that have happened do not exist. Where tomorrow doesn’t exist. Where I’m not sure if I even exist. Somewhere where we wonder when the words ever did make sense.
break my body
break my heart
and break my soul
break everything I’ve got
until there is nothing
left of me
save for my bones.
let me keep those.
let me make something
out of the shell
of who I used to be.
let me keep those.
I need a reminder
of who I used to be
so I can see how I’ve grown.
There are the things we know we should do, and then there are the things we do. Oftentimes, the things we do are not in alignment with what we should. I don’t mean to insinuate that everyone is a failure who can’t handle their own responsibilities. What I do mean is that we tend to sabotage ourselves when it comes to doing things that lead to happiness. Just think about that for a moment. We all have vices. These guilty pleasures do make us happy, but at a cost. We trade a different kind of happiness for this moment of escape, even if we only feel worse immediately afterward. Especially if we feel worse afterward….
Why do we as human beings continuously do that? Cashing out on simple pleasures when we know we will only feel worse in the morning. Risking a job for 5 more minutes of sleep; risking a relapse in celebration of breaking a bad habit; taking a big break for a little effort that you know amounts to nothing. It doesn’t matter how you justify it. If you feel the guilt riveting in your soul, then you understand what I’m talking about. Whether you care to admit it or not is another thing altogether.
I think it’s necessary though, that pain. It’s easy to get lost in short-term pleasures that abandon us in our times of need, but sacrificing everything for that one moment of joy is just as detrimental. All things in life require balance. Humans just aren’t that good at balancing things. We tend to operate at the most extreme ends at any cost, and it wears on us collectively. So many of us still have many dreams and desires that seem impossible because we refuse to change the way we think. We are cynical creatures, but we don’t have to be. I’m not saying believing that today will be better than yesterday will make it better, but it won’t make it worse. Sometimes we just need to remember that these moments will pass. Sometimes we need to remember that we aren’t these moments, no matter how much we believe it… And that’s okay.
The temperature is low. It’s cold. Very cold, actually. It isn’t too cold though. Not that it matters. I can’t feel anything. I mean, not like this anyway. Being away from my body and all. I know it’s cold, but I can’t really feel it. Not that the cold even matters anymore. It’s all I know now…. I’ve been wandering the city for a while. Not too sure when I ended up here, or why I’m even here for that matter. As far as I can understand, I’m just a wandering soul and nothing else.
An empty soul looking for something to fill itself with. I’m pathetic, but who even cares? None of it even matters. The snow is beautiful, though. Small flakes of pristine alabaster-like jewels falling from the heavens down upon us. I’m sure it’s nothing but the tears of angels who pity us. Their tears are only enhanced by the lustrous bits of sunlight that have managed to kiss this place we call earth, attempting to warm our hearts so we don’t feel the cold. It is saddening. It’s depressing. The brilliance of the light causes me to realize just how beautiful the somber winter nights really are– not that it matters.
Beauty is pointless. It’s not like anyone really gives a damn about it at all. It’s such a shame. Just the thought fills me to the brim with tears. Heads are to the ground and people are lost in their phones; it’s not so much as the beauty of those around them that distracts people anymore. They just don’t care about anything else. Even as the sun sets, amassing a spectacular load of visual glory just at the horizon, it means nothing to the denizens of earth. Sunset for them translates to _sunglasses off_; it’s just another moment that has passed. A single moment in the vast expanse of the many to come. No one seems to understand that it’s a moment that’s lost forever. The sun may set again, but everyday, it only sets once.
My heart aches. Misery is my indulgence, and I am addicted. It’s beautiful though. Tragedy, that is. In all of your wellness, you take for granted everything: your ability to breath, to walk, to see. Pain helps you to appreciate the small things in life. Pain is what helps you see beauty and realize how fragile things are. In all of my time, those in abundance never realize how lucky they are. Only the faces of the deprived lighten at the sight of the beauty they’ve been denied all of their life.
If deprivation is all it takes, then I hope for many tragedy filled somber winters.