Astral Adventures: Somber Winters

The temperature is low. It’s cold. Very cold, actually. It isn’t too cold though. Not that it matters. I can’t feel anything. I mean, not like this anyway. Being away from my body and all. I know it’s cold, but I can’t really feel it. Not that the cold even matters anymore. It’s all I know now…. I’ve been wandering the city for a while. Not too sure when I ended up here, or why I’m even here for that matter. As far as I can understand, I’m just a wandering soul and nothing else.

An empty soul looking for something to fill itself with. I’m pathetic, but who even cares? None of it even matters. The snow is beautiful, though. Small flakes of pristine alabaster-like jewels falling from the heavens down upon us. I’m sure it’s nothing but the tears of angels who pity us. Their tears are only enhanced by the lustrous bits of sunlight that have managed to kiss this place we call earth, attempting to warm our hearts so we don’t feel the cold. It is saddening. It’s depressing. The brilliance of the light causes me to realize just how beautiful the somber winter nights really are– not that it matters.

Beauty is pointless. It’s not like anyone really gives a damn about it at all. It’s such a shame. Just the thought fills me to the brim with tears. Heads are to the ground and people are lost in their phones; it’s not so much as the beauty of those around them that distracts people anymore. They just don’t care about anything else. Even as the sun sets, amassing a spectacular load of visual glory just at the horizon, it means nothing to the denizens of earth. Sunset for them translates to _sunglasses off_; it’s just another moment that has passed. A single moment in the vast expanse of the many to come. No one seems to understand that it’s a moment that’s lost forever. The sun may set again, but everyday, it only sets once.

My heart aches. Misery is my indulgence, and I am addicted. It’s beautiful though. Tragedy, that is. In all of your wellness, you take for granted everything: your ability to breath, to walk, to see. Pain helps you to appreciate the small things in life. Pain is what helps you see beauty and realize how fragile things are. In all of my time, those in abundance never realize how lucky they are. Only the faces of the deprived lighten at the sight of the beauty they’ve been denied all of their life.

If deprivation is all it takes, then I hope for many tragedy filled somber winters.

Words Unfiltered: Mental agony

I mean I just don’t know how to handle it. I feel like I’m going to explode under the pressure. How can anybody live like this? Images of destruction fill my mind, and I can’t sleep. I torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, finding myself half-way gone at the most mundane of moments. Suspended in time, realizing I’m nothing but a bout of insignificance floating through meaningless space– I mean, what is even real? How can I know? My heart wants to believe one thing, and my mind isn’t quite sure what to believe. Nothing is logical. I’ve gotten to the point where I realize that everything is pointless, but I can’t think like that.

Just busy yourself in the moment and don’t think. It’s gotten you this far.  I think to myself. It’s all I can do to protect my sanity. The sanity I cling to so dearly. The sanity that I refuse to believe is lost.  I’m trying to protect myself from being broken. In hindsight, things aren’t clear regardless. Maybe I’m broken, maybe I’m not. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t know anything anymore.

When did the sweet solace of solitude became a daily mental agony that I must endure? When I find more comfort in worldly stress and worries than I do in peace, something must have snapped. Or maybe something clicked, and I realized that this tangible world, however fucked up it is, is the world I live in. This world is mine. I see the world through my eyes, and I am afraid to die.

Or maybe it’s death that I crave. I really don’t know anymore. I’m in love. As long as I have a reason, I’ll continue to hold this moment called a life dearly. I’m fearful of all that’s to come, or maybe of the things that have already come to pass. Who knows. Maybe it’s all already happened, and we just haven’t realized it yet. Either way, I’m waiting for something. What exactly? I don’t know. The brief moments of happiness are worth living for.

A lifetime of pain and suffering in exchange for the brief time that we actually can enjoy our lives. I suppose that’s all life really is. A chance to smile. A chance that you wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m certain that I am alive, but I really can’t be certain of anything. I guess it’s the uncertainty that terrifies me. Even still, with uncertainty comes hope. Maybe the thing I desire to know won’t have the answer that brings comfort. With certainty, I may be screwed. But, everything is uncertain.

Anything can happen. Things will happen, and I guess that’s the beauty of life.

Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.

We are temporary

We Are Temporary

(Picture by my girlfriend)

This is a picture and edit by my girlfriend. (So in case you were wondering, yes, she took it). Looking at it, it reminds me a lot about the thoughts that keep me up at night. The truth of the matter is that everything is temporary. Our words, our thoughts, our lives. The laptop that I sit here to type this up on, the chair I sit in, the heart that beats in my chest, the bones that ache in my body…. One day, all of it will be gone.

Usually, this fact really does not bother me at all. But when I think about it a lot, it really rocks me at my core. Situations in which I realize just how little I (or anyone else for that matter) matter, or simply have nothing to distract me from my thoughts are the worse. Most nights when I lay in bed, I am assaulted by the thoughts that may attack me in the shower with a greater ferocity than what I think I deserve. Thoughts are the reason I am an insomniac. I mean, I can’t complain too much about it now. I’ve had enough of a distraction to fall asleep with ease most nights. Though I’ve also become addicted to the Today’s Comedy station on Pandora to help me wade into a deep slumber when the sun isn’t shining anymore. I wonder: why does it matter that it doesn’t matter? Well, because it doesn’t matter if something doesn’t matter. I mean, it shouldn’t. But that doesn’t stop me from caring about it, does it? There are a lot of things that should or shouldn’t matter and things that should or shouldn’t be. Ignorance really is the best solution, but it is also the cowards way out. Personally, I am far too curious for me to simply not know.

Then again, it is that same curiosity that causes me to seek out new information and learn about everything that I can. Why I am here? Why am I nothing but a soul living body of 5’8 that’s in a room to an apartment of a larger complex that’s found a street somewhere in a city that is in the state of Illinois, part of the United States of America, which is part of the Northern half of the Americas; I’m on the western hemisphere, and the northern one too, floating on a planet that orbits around the sun; floating in space with 7 (or 8 if you’re generous) other celestial bodies known as planets, creating a solar system that is part of a larger solar interstellar neighborhood located in the milky way galaxy; A galaxy that’s part of a local galactic group, that’s part of the even bigger Virgo super cluster that’s only a portion of the local super clusters. And all of that is part of the observable universe. Who knows how much is out there that we can’t see? I mean, there is a lot that we will never see. Billions of individuals we will never meet that translates to billions of experiences we will never have. But how could any of this even matter when we are all temporary?

I guess you can see why these thoughts keep me up at night. But I’ve also come to realize that everything does matter. It matters because it doesn’t matter. This temporary thing that we grasp is all we have to hold onto. If it’s all that you’ve got, then you have to make it count somehow. It’s why we stress, why we worry, and why we even care about things that shouldn’t matter. Besides, we’re only human. We’re flawed, and that’s our excuse for everything. In the end, if we can’t make what matters most to us worthwhile, then it doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t have mattered in the end regardless. If we can, however, then the end doesn’t matter because the life that came before it did.

I suppose that sharing this with you will help me to liberate my soul in a way. I’m not quite sure what I mean by that, but I’m sure I will in due time.

Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.