Sabotage – Idle Thoughts

There are the things we know we should do, and then there are the things we do. Oftentimes, the things we do are not in alignment with what we should. I don’t mean to insinuate that everyone is a failure who can’t handle their own responsibilities. What I do mean is that we tend to sabotage ourselves when it comes to doing things that lead to happiness. Just think about that for a moment. We all have vices. These guilty pleasures do make us happy, but at a cost. We trade a different kind of happiness for this moment of escape, even if we only feel worse immediately afterward. Especially if we feel worse afterward….

Why do we as human beings continuously do that? Cashing out on simple pleasures when we know we will only feel worse in the morning. Risking a job for 5 more minutes of sleep; risking a relapse in celebration of breaking a bad habit; taking a big break for a little effort that you know amounts to nothing. It doesn’t matter how you justify it. If you feel the guilt riveting in your soul, then you understand what I’m talking about. Whether you care to admit it or not is another thing altogether.

I think it’s necessary though, that pain. It’s easy to get lost in short-term pleasures that abandon us in our times of need, but sacrificing everything for that one moment of joy is just as detrimental. All things in life require balance. Humans just aren’t that good at balancing things. We tend to operate at the most extreme ends at any cost, and it wears on us collectively. So many of us still have many dreams and desires that seem impossible because we refuse to change the way we think. We are cynical creatures, but we don’t have to be. I’m not saying believing that today will be better than yesterday will make it better, but it won’t make it worse. Sometimes we just need to remember that these moments will pass. Sometimes we need to remember that we aren’t these moments, no matter how much we believe it… And that’s okay.


College life: Making adjustments

So for those of you who read my inconsistent blog post consistently, and also those who just so happen to read it whenever they can, I apologize that I have not posted anything recently. I assure you that I do have some pieces of writing saved as drafts, but I am currently working out a schedule for posting things. The reason I’ve been away however is because I started college about a week and a half ago. I’ve had to adjust to this new life, and now that I’ve settled in, I can finally take the time to do other things I enjoy again without being very stressed. Of course, the main thing is writing.

So anyways, I’ve started school. I’ve met lots of new people, and I am enjoying (and also not enjoying) college a lot. In case you’re wondering, no, I am not staying on campus. The school I attend happens to be here in Chicago, so I commute to school. It saves a lot of money, and I’ve traveled farther distances on a daily basis anyway. All of my classes are morning classes, which works for me because I like to be up early. Although it’d probably be nice having classes later in the day, it’s not really something I wanna do unless I have to.

What I’m trying to do now is to find a sync to do all of the things that I want to do, but as of now, I’m kind of just doing things whenever I can. I’m staying on top of my work because I know I have a tendency to forget about it and procrastinate. I also really have taken a lot of time to learn how to relax while on campus. Since I’m used to some things coming easily to me, I find that I can get very frustrated when I’m not understanding something. Frustration makes it very hard to work, and when that happens, I’ll work on something else or talk with people I know. If that isn’t enough, there are a couple of pianos around and a few people who I can play super smash brothers on the Wii with.

I know there is a lot I can talk about in regard to college, but I really just wanted to let everyone know that I am not dead, and that I do plan on writing and posting more.

So, until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.

Everything is possible as long as you don’t choose.

I am not a writer. Yet I am a writer.  I am also a singer. I dance, I draw, yet I do not. It’s possible for me to have done. Quantum physics supports a version of the multiverse theory. It goes a little something like this: For every single decision that you make, no matter how small or seeming insignificant, it affects your entire life in which the decision you could have made also happens. Each decision causes a split, essentially creating another universe down, separate, yet concurrent, with the one you live in. I recently watched a movie entitled Mr.Nobody in which the idea of this is explored, but it caused me to wonder again about all of the seemingly insignificant choices I’ve ever made.

One of the things that I tend to talk about is a choice I made when I was 11. It was more like a series of choices, but looking back, it has affected my life greatly. There is a game called mabinogi that I started playing seven years ago. I was browsing the internet, playing random games when I noticed an ad for mabinogi. My first choice was whether or not I would click on that ad.* I’d played games before, and rarely did I decide to click on ads, but at that moment, I decided to give it a go. After clicking that ad, I watched the trailer. I could either A: try out the game, or B: play something else. I obviously tried the game. I went and downloaded it, and that sealed the deal of my future being forever different.

Now, the critical decisions that would decide just how different my future would be were the ones that decided the people I would meet. At the time, there were 3 servers to choose from. Tarlch, Ruari, and Mari. I decided to go with Mari because I liked the name. The final decision I made was to select which Channel I would play on. From Channels 1-5, I selected channel 3. At the time, I didn’t know you could switch channels whenever you wanted, but that was the one I chose. I met people who I still talk to this very day. I’m still playing that game, seven years later, and it has influenced a lot of my choices I could have made and gave me a reason not to make others. Some money has been spent there, and I the people I met introduced me to things I may not have otherwise known about. How much of an effect did this game have on me? I have no idea, but I do know that it was a lot.

Seemingly insignificant decisions have changed my entire future. I have no idea every single way in which my life has been shaped by those choices, but I do know that it would be a lot different today if I didn’t make the choices I did at age 11. Nemo Nobody, in the movie, made his first drastic choice at the age of 9. We all make a choice when we’re younger that, whether or not we know it, really shape who we are as people.

For now though, It’s time for me to end this post, as I am beginning to ramble. Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.

*Several choices had been made to land me where I was, but I’ll focus on the main choices I had.

The Good Samaritan: A true narrative

So last week I was on the bus going to visit my girlfriend. I was feeling rather stressed about money and was just in a bad mood in general. It wasn’t the worse, but I definitely could have been better. As I got on the last bus, I was about to go sit at my usual seat since it was open– at least until I noticed what appeared to be a small rectangular card at another seat. A quick survey of the bus told me that no one else noticed it, and there was no one in the vicinity that it seemed like it could belong to. Since the bus had already pulled off and I didn’t pay attention to whoever had gotten off, I had no idea if someone just dropped it, or if it had been sitting there forever. I decided to go ahead and sit by the card. I headed toward my seat, sat down, and swiftly pocketed the card as I got my wallet to put my bus card back inside. No one had noticed, but of course my hand felt hot. My pocket felt hot. I had no idea whether or not this was a bus card, credit card, debit card or what. All I know is that I had noticed it and no one else had.

The ride to my girlfriend’s house was a short one, but thoughts were spinning in my head. I was wondering if anyone had noticed me take it and if they thought I was a thief. I felt like one. I took the card simply so that no one else could. At that point, I didn’t have any intentions except to examine the card. When I finally got off the bus, I waited for it to pass before looking at the card. I saw that it was a chase debit card. I looked at the name, looked at the back, and saw that it was signed and everything. I crossed the street, rang the doorbell, and showed my girlfriend what I found. She thought it was crazy, but ultimately, it was clear that whatever I proceeded to do with the card was my ultimately my decision alone.

Immediately, the negativity and malice clouded my mind. There are places that don’t require pins or signatures. I wonder if I could find out how much is on here. I wonder if I could get a rewarded for turning it in.* Immediately, I felt sick to my stomach. I know I’m human, but why in the world would these thoughts even cross my mind? I suppose I could argue that I was tight on money, so it was only “natural.” Personal gain is always the reason people do a lot of things, but there are a lot of things that I didn’t do because it was wrong, no matter how much I could have benefited from it.

After my bout of viciously malice thoughts, I began got on my laptop. I began to try and search for the card owner online. I found what I believed to be the person, but I only had an address and age estimate. I, for the life of me, could not find a number that I could contact. Eventually, I gave up and decided to worry about it later. I spent the day with my girlfriend and the card was out of my mind until I we said our goodbyes and I headed home.

It wasn’t long before I thought about the card again. Even though I really wanted to return the card to it’s owner (and this time simply to see their reaction, not in hopes of a reward), I decided that it’d be best to call the bank. I called, and went through the motions and was told that they would deactivate the card and that they would make a note in the person’s account so that they know someone found the card and made sure it didn’t get into the wrong hands. I was told to go ahead and destroy the card. Before getting on the bus, I folded the card up and tossed it in the trash. I got to tell you, I felt wonderful.

I’ve had money and things stolen from me before, and it is not pleasant. People work hard for the things that they have, so it isn’t right to take them. I know I would have been devastated if someone had found my debit card and drained my bank account. The gain for doing the right thing was a good feeling and good karma for the universe. That’s all you ever really need. Even if it seems pointless, you should always go ahead and do the right thing. It might not always benefit you, nor will everyone always see the results. However, every good decision you choose always makes the world just a little bit better.

*I personally think that one shouldn’t do the obvious right things only for the incentive and no other reason.