late night panic

and in his indulgence of thought,
his sanity was foregone;
left alongside the sun as it slipped beyond the horizon.
gently. for the madness seeps in like a slow poison.
the anguish only when it’s far too late.
and he screams.
and he screams.
and he gasps hopelessly for useless oxygen,
grasping desperately for sunlight only a few hours away.

Words Unfiltered: Mental agony

I mean I just don’t know how to handle it. I feel like I’m going to explode under the pressure. How can anybody live like this? Images of destruction fill my mind, and I can’t sleep. I torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, finding myself half-way gone at the most mundane of moments. Suspended in time, realizing I’m nothing but a bout of insignificance floating through meaningless space– I mean, what is even real? How can I know? My heart wants to believe one thing, and my mind isn’t quite sure what to believe. Nothing is logical. I’ve gotten to the point where I realize that everything is pointless, but I can’t think like that.

Just busy yourself in the moment and don’t think. It’s gotten you this far.  I think to myself. It’s all I can do to protect my sanity. The sanity I cling to so dearly. The sanity that I refuse to believe is lost.  I’m trying to protect myself from being broken. In hindsight, things aren’t clear regardless. Maybe I’m broken, maybe I’m not. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t know anything anymore.

When did the sweet solace of solitude became a daily mental agony that I must endure? When I find more comfort in worldly stress and worries than I do in peace, something must have snapped. Or maybe something clicked, and I realized that this tangible world, however fucked up it is, is the world I live in. This world is mine. I see the world through my eyes, and I am afraid to die.

Or maybe it’s death that I crave. I really don’t know anymore. I’m in love. As long as I have a reason, I’ll continue to hold this moment called a life dearly. I’m fearful of all that’s to come, or maybe of the things that have already come to pass. Who knows. Maybe it’s all already happened, and we just haven’t realized it yet. Either way, I’m waiting for something. What exactly? I don’t know. The brief moments of happiness are worth living for.

A lifetime of pain and suffering in exchange for the brief time that we actually can enjoy our lives. I suppose that’s all life really is. A chance to smile. A chance that you wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m certain that I am alive, but I really can’t be certain of anything. I guess it’s the uncertainty that terrifies me. Even still, with uncertainty comes hope. Maybe the thing I desire to know won’t have the answer that brings comfort. With certainty, I may be screwed. But, everything is uncertain.

Anything can happen. Things will happen, and I guess that’s the beauty of life.

Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.

Anxiety

I once wrote a poem about Anxiety (See below), but I should probably tell you all about my anxiety and what inspired the poem. In terms of anxiety, I do not suffer greatly. I know that there are many other people who suffer worse than me, some people I know personally. Anxiety is really nothing you can simply get over. It’s something you have to cope with, and we all have our triggers. People with OCD suffer from it, people living in stressful situations suffer from it, normal people living everyday lives who seem to have no problems whatsoever suffer from it. Just a feeling of helplessness triggers it. We can’t escape anxiety. It’s a terrible feeling that we all will feel.
Usually, I’m pretty untouched by anxiety. I go about my days, going through the motions and enjoying each and every experience that I can. Every once in a while though, I experience things that trigger my anxiety. Most recently was graduation. I’m pretty sure everyone gets butterflies during this time, and for good reason too. I really wasn’t bothered by the ceremony until I started thinking about walking across the stage. Not getting my diploma, not worried about if I was qualified, not worried about my name not being called or anything. I just did not want to walk across the stage. It got to the point where every moment leading up to it was more worrisome than exciting. I walked, and it passed, and then it was over, and that was that.
By all means, that one experience really pales in comparison to the degree that some people are affect by their anxiety. One friend of mine has social anxiety so bad to the point where she didn’t come to graduation at all. There was no consideration on her behalf or even hopes of talking her out of it. She simply said that she isn’t going from the day that I met her, and she did not. She rarely came to school (though she is very smart and still managed to keep a relatively high GPA) for this reason, and though her life isn’t ruined by her anxiety, it definitely was a lot different than what it would have been if she didn’t suffer from it. 
As you can see, anxiety can have a tremendous impact on a person’s life and their decisions. There have been many occasions, more than I’d like to admit, where I’d set out to do something with an end goal in mind, and ended up not carrying out my plans because I suddenly got very anxious. It’s very frustrating and it makes me feel weak, but I am doing better. Coping with anxiety is difficult, but it is possible. To all of you who suffer from it, your anxiety does not define you. It is simply an obstacle that one most overcome, and I am confident that we all will be able to do just that.
Before I forget, this is what inspired my poem (which is on my poetry blog): I was sitting my AP calculus class when I suddenly had a slight panic attack. It was the first time that I had one during the day while out and about. Up until then, I was only affected by it at night. It didn’t last long, but while I had it, I decided to write the poem you see below to help me deal with it.
 

Anxiety