(Picture by my girlfriend)
This is a picture and edit by my girlfriend. (So in case you were wondering, yes, she took it). Looking at it, it reminds me a lot about the thoughts that keep me up at night. The truth of the matter is that everything is temporary. Our words, our thoughts, our lives. The laptop that I sit here to type this up on, the chair I sit in, the heart that beats in my chest, the bones that ache in my body…. One day, all of it will be gone.
Usually, this fact really does not bother me at all. But when I think about it a lot, it really rocks me at my core. Situations in which I realize just how little I (or anyone else for that matter) matter, or simply have nothing to distract me from my thoughts are the worse. Most nights when I lay in bed, I am assaulted by the thoughts that may attack me in the shower with a greater ferocity than what I think I deserve. Thoughts are the reason I am an insomniac. I mean, I can’t complain too much about it now. I’ve had enough of a distraction to fall asleep with ease most nights. Though I’ve also become addicted to the Today’s Comedy station on Pandora to help me wade into a deep slumber when the sun isn’t shining anymore. I wonder: why does it matter that it doesn’t matter? Well, because it doesn’t matter if something doesn’t matter. I mean, it shouldn’t. But that doesn’t stop me from caring about it, does it? There are a lot of things that should or shouldn’t matter and things that should or shouldn’t be. Ignorance really is the best solution, but it is also the cowards way out. Personally, I am far too curious for me to simply not know.
Then again, it is that same curiosity that causes me to seek out new information and learn about everything that I can. Why I am here? Why am I nothing but a soul living body of 5’8 that’s in a room to an apartment of a larger complex that’s found a street somewhere in a city that is in the state of Illinois, part of the United States of America, which is part of the Northern half of the Americas; I’m on the western hemisphere, and the northern one too, floating on a planet that orbits around the sun; floating in space with 7 (or 8 if you’re generous) other celestial bodies known as planets, creating a solar system that is part of a larger solar interstellar neighborhood located in the milky way galaxy; A galaxy that’s part of a local galactic group, that’s part of the even bigger Virgo super cluster that’s only a portion of the local super clusters. And all of that is part of the observable universe. Who knows how much is out there that we can’t see? I mean, there is a lot that we will never see. Billions of individuals we will never meet that translates to billions of experiences we will never have. But how could any of this even matter when we are all temporary?
I guess you can see why these thoughts keep me up at night. But I’ve also come to realize that everything does matter. It matters because it doesn’t matter. This temporary thing that we grasp is all we have to hold onto. If it’s all that you’ve got, then you have to make it count somehow. It’s why we stress, why we worry, and why we even care about things that shouldn’t matter. Besides, we’re only human. We’re flawed, and that’s our excuse for everything. In the end, if we can’t make what matters most to us worthwhile, then it doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t have mattered in the end regardless. If we can, however, then the end doesn’t matter because the life that came before it did.
I suppose that sharing this with you will help me to liberate my soul in a way. I’m not quite sure what I mean by that, but I’m sure I will in due time.
Until tomorrow, or next time, whichever comes first.